Breathe

I haven’t written in a while. I haven’t written for Christmas, or other events. Why? I haven’t been able to breathe, like really breathe. I have been in a fog of confusion and complacency and pain. I have been overwhelmed, and truth be told, I am still struggling to breathe.

It isn’t because of the holiday season, or the commercialization of Christmas, or even the hustle and bustle of this time of year, it is more, and it is something I cannot place into words for any reader to fully understand or attempt to.

PTSD and MDD are silent devastations of the mind. The mind that holds onto the pain of the past, while trying to make sense of the trauma that triggers can be a dangerous thing indeed. I am stuck in a past pattern of pain, unable to get out of my mind. Medication is a mocker at times - it masks things, blocks out other things, and yet the mind is a remarkable thing. It is part of the personhood, the whole package, perhaps starting with the brain, or the spirit, but is linked to both, and the heart is included in this deal. Is there a medication for the whole person to be well? I will get to that shortly.

We cannot escape trauma; we cannot run fast enough in the opposite direction to avoid encountering pain, and yet we try, I try. I have been trying in my own strength, in the wisdom of doctors and psychiatric, psychologic, and spiritual guidance from others who are wiser still than I.

I have personally done CBT, CPT, DBT, studied EMDR, looked into new calibrations of treatments and older actionable steps from former interventions - all with no avail. So? What is it? Why am I stuck?

Perhaps the questions are wrong or at least incomplete?

What is it? Is a broad and undefinable concept requiring exceptional knowledge of the entire picture. I don’t have the entire picture to produce and calculate an un answer capable of healing.

Why am I stuck? Perhaps this is a simpler response to come up with, and yet when the answers come, the mind digs deeper in the mire, and spins - merely kicking up muck and slime while getting and staying stuck.

I don’t know if this makes sense or if I am merely typing away without a purpose or a plan, and yet I type still. I have written before, and regardless of if no one else reads or responds, I write still.

Here is a better question -

Do I want to be made well (John 5:6)? Jesus asked this question of someone who had been invalid for 38-years. The person began to respond with excuses of why he could not get into the pool of water called Bethesda, which was in Jerusalem, but Jesus interjected by telling the man to get up and take his bed and walk.

I have wondered, lately about why I can’t breathe through things, why I am having such a difficult time with life events and circumstances, and I have come up with a couple of thoughts:

1. Life is hard, and as one of my favorite theologians (Denis Leary) once submitted - “Life is hard, get a helmet.” I am kidding, he is not a theologian, but the statement makes sense. Life is hard, we will all get knocked down, and as Sylvester Stallone says in his character of Rocky Balboa (2006) “It ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.” Getting hit hurts, it takes the wind out of you. As a martial artist and boxer, I know that if I am not breathing through the hits, I will soon not be getting up, so I have to train myself how to breathe for the battle. Life is the same way, I reckon, and we all need to know how to breathe, spiritually speaking - so we can stay in the battle.

2. I forgot how to breathe in the battle. This goes with the first thought on why I am struggling to breathe through things, but it needs attention. Why have I forgotten how to breathe in the battle? When doing Basic Rifle Marksmanship, back in the day at Fort Leonard wood MO, we were taught how to breathe properly prior to squeezing the trigger. The understanding is that if you are breathing erratically, labored, and shallow - you will be jerking the trigger and missing the target, whatever the target is. We had to train how to breathe. This makes sense. If you are a long-distance runner, you need to pace and breathe (along with other things) in order to run the good race and finish well. In the battles of life, breathing is essential - it may look different from a spiritual and emotional level, but it is crucial to learn how to breathe. We don’t just train one time (one and done), we have to constantly refresh and remind ourselves how to breathe.

3. Breathing often requires a focal point. Something to look at, a goal to look forward to. When standing and doing a quad stretch, it is often beneficial to look at a fixed object to maintain balance. WOW! Think about this in life, when breathing. Do you or I have a fixed object to look at to find our focus again in the midst of the battles of life? I know we all get the wind knocked out of us, we all face challenges and battles and sorrows. I am in that now, and honestly don’t see through to the other side, so I have to look to the One I know is there even when I cannot see Him. Jesus. He is fixed and firm, never moving or movable in the situations we face. He is always the solid Rock on which we can stand.

These are all good thoughts, at least I believe them to be, and when I focus on Jesus, He just proves to me, time and time again that He is unshakeable, and trustworthy. I am lost right now, not breathing well, and often screaming out for Him to hear me.

I need to focus my breathing, slow it down, and learn how to hear Him again.

A dear friend of mine always tells me to ‘breathe’ just ‘breathe’. Breathing is needed for living, clearly, but it is also required to slow our reactions and get us into sync so we can hear, move, respond…

Breathe. I am learning, and trying to do this, still, and yet I am not there yet.

Try some new tactics for yourself today. Trust Jesus, perhaps for the first time with your ‘stuff’ or perhaps trust Him again today with your ‘stuff’.

Try other tactics and techniques, such as purposeful and meditative breathing to slow your brain down enough to think clearly.

Here is a technique I use regularly:

Square Breathing:

Inhale through your nose, hold your breath, exhale through your mouth, and hold it again, each for a count of four. Repeat for several minutes.

This helps, give it a try.

Let’s learn to breathe together. Although this doesn’t solve my stressors, depression or trauma, it may invite room and space for hope and healing to enter into the situation. I am willing to keep pressing forward, even if and when I don’t understand.

I don’t have all the answers, but I know the One who does. I will strive today to trust Him with the very breath He breathed into me. He is still worthy and able to meet you and I where we are, and help us breathe through the battle.

Blessings.

K

The video below is not mine, but please enjoy and take some rest at the feet of Jesus.